r/NoStupidQuestions • u/IdeaExpensive3073 • 27d ago

How is it women notice men checking them out but I’ve never noticed women doing it to men, and especially me?

Note: I’ve been told that they were checking me out before, so I know it’s happening.

8.3k Upvotes

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761

u/VogueTrader 27d ago

Potential danger. Men take things like that as an invitation, so women are far more discreet about it.

430

u/Thats_a_BaD_LiMe 27d ago

For the same reason, I think women are on higher alert to pick up men giving them attention, in case it's unwanted and turns dangerous.

136

u/SellaraAB 27d ago

It’s so weird and kind of depressing knowing that I’ve probably scared women just by existing near them. I’m not even sure if there’s anything I could do to help it.

160

u/ZestyMidwest 27d ago

The fact that you’re conscious of it means you’re probably fine. It’s the guys who think “these women around me LOVE this extra attention from me” who are the creeps. Or who don’t care at all what the women are thinking/feeling. (Or who enjoy making them uncomfortable!)

3

u/Remarkable_Coast_214 26d ago

The fact that they're fine doesn't change the fact that that's the impression people have of them.

2

u/[deleted] 27d ago

[deleted]

19

u/rayrayrex 27d ago

I mean can we blame them? Strength wise it’s like a child versus an adult at all times. Even if we all mean well it’s still enough of a legitimate fear that it’s gonna cause unease

10

u/[deleted] 27d ago

You are absolutely right. I love my boyfriend dearly and he would never do anything to harm me. But I’ve definitely had unexpected moments of panic before while being pinned down and tickled by him, because it’s in those moments I realise how much stronger he is than me, just naturally. I literally cannot move from underneath him even though it’s playful tickling.

It’s a scary feeling, especially when my brain wanders to other scenarios and makes the connection that any man could pin down this way with malicious intent and there’s nothing I could do about it.

3

u/Nextraler 26d ago

Its not true at all. Ive never been scared of my colleagues, friends, etc. Its all about context. I'm not scared of random guys just minding their own business either

37

u/OliphauntHerder 27d ago

Quick smile and head nod while making eye contact, then go about your business. Which you're probably doing anyway, since you're aware that women, sadly, need to be on high alert around men we don't know.

If you happen to be walking behind a woman, especially at night or in a relatively empty place (like a parking lot or a quiet street), you can say something like, "hey there, I wound up behind you and don't want to give you a scare - I'm heading to my car over there." As a woman who spent years walking to/from public transit stops in the dark (early morning as well as in the evening), I always said something if I wound up walking behind someone else, just to let them know that I was there.

61

u/halogenc 27d ago

Me: "Hey there, I–"

Her: starts running

Me: "I'm behind you! Don't be afraid!"

Her: runs faster

15

u/OliphauntHerder 27d ago

😂 Yeah, that could also be the response.

4

u/Delicious-Shirt7188 27d ago

Isn't it ironic

1

u/shortidiva21 27d ago

Thank youuuu 🤣

12

u/VogueTrader 27d ago

I usually just cross the street. Easy enough to do. Sound of my cane on the pavement is a bit creepy at night.

3

u/Unsteady_Tempo 27d ago

Yep. Plenty of guys know that at night and a woman is alone it's a good idea to cross the street away from the woman, or cough or even pretend to talk on the phone before coming up from behind so you don't startle them.

5

u/Nubsta5 27d ago

Second paragraph has big, biblically-accurate angel, "Be Not Afraid" energy.

1

u/MrWeirdoFace 27d ago

If I find I am steadily approaching a woman on the sidewalk or street at night I typically just cross to the other side so as not to freak her out.

4

u/DoodlingZebra 27d ago

I know this wasn't the point of your comment but -- thank you for caring about what women think and how we feel.

Rn it feels like the men in my life are oblivious to the things I struggle with because the worst of society sees me as more of an object than a person. In a weird way, it kind of makes me feel a little seen that a (presumably) male stranger on the internet cares about the anxious hypervigilance we often have to assume and doesn't want to add to it. Thanks <3

Honestly, as long as you're minding your business in public spaces with women, then you're probably fine. Someone in this thread said just a smile/quick nod or just a quick nod and then moving on is a good strategy too, and I agree! If you're walking behind a woman/feminine person at night, giving them space is a good idea, too.

8

u/DoctahFeelgood 27d ago

It's tiring worrying about that kinda stuff. I used to worry about it all the time. Now I just wear my dark souls t shirt out so women know they could take me pretty easily.

2

u/SheildMadeofFace 26d ago

It's best to have empathy and understand it's not about them personally. If I crossed paths with a woman on my way to the taco truck from the club and she gave me uncertain look, I wouldn't get offended that's she afraid of me. I just understand that somebody like me has made this an uncomfortable situation before.

I’m not even sure if there’s anything I could do to help it.

Just slow your pace, drag your foot a little bit and scroll reddit for a few minutes

-1

u/RimurusHat 27d ago

That's on them live your life

-10

u/Ice_Swallow4u 27d ago

Jesus Christ

12

u/albertaman86 27d ago

Sad but true.

-13

u/Ice_Swallow4u 27d ago

I wouldn’t say sad I would say pathetic. Do you guys just have no self-esteem? You can only control your own behavior not someone else’s. If a women is terrified by my mere presence that’s on her not me. Obviously context matters, I don’t go running up to women late at night or stare at them from a far or act like a fucking lunatic but if I’m just at a crosswalk or standing in line for groceries and some lady has a panic attack because I’m standing there. Then she can fuck right off.

4

u/WalkinSteveHawkin 27d ago

This isn’t it man. There’s no reason we can’t do the bare minimum to help 50% of the population feel a bit safer.

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u/Ice_Swallow4u 27d ago

In the comment I replied to the guy was talking about how it makes him depressed and feel shitty knowing that his mere presence can terrify women. What about his feelings? Oh that’s right men aren’t allowed to have feelings and if they do there a pussy. Don’t get me wrong, I have a mom, I have a niece, I have a sister, I don’t want them to be afraid of men. I want them to be treated with respect. But to say men should just have to suck it up and deal with women being cruel to them… I say fuck that.

1

u/awry_lynx 26d ago

Nobody said women treated him cruelly. In fact he even says in his own comment that it's his assumption that someone probably got scared around him. Not even a specific event, not a specific woman, just "it's depressing knowing I've probably scared women by existing around them". So yeah, I would say in that context, it's his own worries to be responsible for.

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u/Ice_Swallow4u 26d ago

Which is why I called him pathetic.

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u/GodlyBeerGut 27d ago

precisely put. You could be Jesus himself and your mere presence would set off alarm bells in some people's minds.

Some people are very, very paranoid, scared individuals.

I get that some have been through traumatic experiences that lead to those neuroses, but its unfortunate and a sign of mental illness if a person makes those assumptions about everyone being dangerous and a supposed threat.

3

u/Thats_a_BaD_LiMe 26d ago

I've been followed home multiple times from men checking me out. I've had to change paths and asked strangers to walk with me to avoid men following me.

It is not mental illness or paranoia. I am not a scared individual. It is reasonable to be aware of who is eyeing you up in case it becomes one of these situations. The fact that you say this means that you have no idea of the reality of how dangerous things can get and how quickly they can turn.

6

u/SiIesh 27d ago

I think this plays a big part. Women probably get checked out way more and way often less discreet. Add on top that some of that attention can be really dangerous to them and together you have a vast difference in how practiced people are at recognizing it. I wouldn't be too surprised if very attractive men are better at recognizing being checked out than average looking men, while I would assume both are worse at it than the average woman

2

u/Winter-Ad8945 27d ago

I’m having a hard time understanding how anyone can say that they don’t know they are being checked out or even that someone is looking at them because I’m very aware of anyone looking at me (whether checking out or not). It’s just a distinct sensation that you are being watched. Is this really something that men don’t experience?

2

u/AwkwardSquirtles 27d ago

I notice people looking at me for sure, but I don't think I've ever thought it was them checking me out.

11

u/[deleted] 27d ago

Definitely. I literally avoid gazing around the room sometimes when I’m out in public or at a bar, in fear that I’ll accidentally make eye contact with a man and he will take the brief moment of eye contact as an invitation to come talk to me.

Sometimes it’s easier just to avoid the conversation entirely, rather than figuring out a polite way to get out of it after we’ve already been approached. We don’t know how a man will react to us not being interested in them, in the same way we don’t know which men are safe or not, so sometimes it’s easier to just avert our gazes and avoid the whole situation/conversation to begin with lol

26

u/rarogirl1 27d ago

Absolutely correct.

5

u/throwawayoregon81 27d ago

Wait, so women are checking out men they feel could be a danger to them, so they check them out discretely?

26

u/HighClassHate 27d ago

Not specifically checking out men they think are dangerous, more like this person is a complete stranger and who knows if they’re dangerous.

20

u/mirkotaa 27d ago

A lot of these questions about why women act "weird" from the perspective of men is just that they are being careful, frankly.

7

u/[deleted] 27d ago

if any man could potentially be a danger you gotta take your chances lol

13

u/No-Trouble814 27d ago

Yet more proof that sexuality isn’t a choice.

5

u/[deleted] 27d ago

YES lol oh boy if I could be a lesbian and just take off into the woods with my witchy goddess lesbian liver I would do it at the drop of a hat. I gotta like dudes though unfortunately.

4

u/VogueTrader 27d ago

My baby sister has absolutely awful taste in men... I've had to do so many late night moves and rescues that my crippled ass is going to be relieved if my daughter likes women.

1

u/ssslitchey 27d ago

This feels like a very miserable way to look at things. Actively lamenting that you like men and not woman seems unhealthy.

1

u/HighClassHate 27d ago

I mean she made one comment, I’m sure she’s not losing sleep over it.

1

u/[deleted] 27d ago

the way men behave is unhealthy, it's not my fault I'm straight

1

u/lemons7472 15d ago edited 15d ago

Even women act unhealthy towards others, abuse and assault other people, both men and women, then there’s the whole “lesbians have the most highest rate of abuse” thing that I keep hearing that honestly likely isn’t 100% true but may have merit, tho I do think other women might treat other women better than some women or men may threat each other.

I never put my hands on women, but I’ve certainly had mostly women act disgusting or violent towards me for shits and giggles, sexually harassing me or assaulting me or other men, but for some reason the internet acts like my entire sex is guilty and evil, that we all harm women, meanwhile women are passive and nice, when that’s not quite the case, people just pretend as if women are passive just because they don’t care to pay attention to women harming others.

I say fuck this logic that my sex is all horrid and that women are better in some way, because women aren’t sweet angels at all like how people (mostly other women) believe.

0

u/ssslitchey 27d ago

it's not my fault I'm straight

I'm not saying it is. I'm just saying it doesn't seem healthy to dislike being straight because some men are awful.

1

u/[deleted] 27d ago

can i translate your comment into "not all men" for you? lol

14

u/peoplebuyviews 27d ago

This absolutely. I'm a lesbian so you'd think I'd be way more in tune with when women are checking me out than men, but the thing is I don't feel inherently threatened by women checking me out, so my brain is way less on alert for it. And yes, I've been hit on creepy women who wouldn't listen to no. I've also been hit on by super nice men who took my no right away and either walked off or hung out and had a nice friendly conversation after. But there's something so much more unsafe feeling about a man who won't get out of your personal space.

I think straight dudes who don't understand this should have to stand around a bar while pushy creeps that are all the size of The Rock try to convince them that they can't know they don't like dick if they haven't tried their dick. Physical power disparity, along with most of us having experienced some form of harassment or assault by the time we hit middle school, means we are on high alert for men and have to do a whole ass threat assessment before talking to you.

4

u/VogueTrader 27d ago

As a male, hetero cripple who was gothy bait in their teens... I feel this. I've had plenty of much larger than me dudes tell me more or less that exact thing.

1

u/Karglenoofus 24d ago

Sounds more like a you thing

3

u/Gon_Freecss_1999 27d ago

I noticed a lot of girls use glass reflection to watch guys pass by, so the guys don't feel invited to interact.

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u/TacticalTacktleneck 26d ago

I mean…yes?! We don’t have a lot else to go off of, since women pretty much never approach men.

1

u/kurtshrine 27d ago

When a woman looks at me i take it as an invitation to show her my wedding ring and say something like “not today succubus”. So yeah, pretty dangerous

-1

u/NoSpread3192 27d ago

Well that’s just sad

-5

u/JamalBruh 27d ago

I understand if you're walking home alone at night, or in a dark alleyway or something--as a guy, I keep to myself in situations like that too, and try to give women extra berth so they can feel less paranoid--but if you're telling me that you're afraid for your safety should a man catch you checking him out in a well-lit, public and reasonably populated area...because that man might take that as an invitation to assault/rape you right then and there (or at least follow you somewhere to do it more discreetly)...c'mon, dude.

Women murder their own children more often than they themselves are murdered for turning down a random guy on the street, but if I said I got nervous everytime I saw a mother scolding her child in public because "what if she takes them home and murders them?!" You'd look at me like I was crazy.

This whole "all strange men should be treated like potential Ted Bundy or Elliot Rodgers" thing is just the Liberal equivalent of Fox News/Conservatives making all major cities look like war zones. It's ridiculous, and adherents to such beliefs need to touch grass.

If OP's statement is true for you, then maybe you should stay in the house; do work-from-home, and have Instacart deliver your groceries or something, since half the adult human population ia that terrifying to you...

1

u/lemons7472 15d ago

People see women as motherly regardless of women murdering their own kids than they die from rejection. Any time you bring up how women murder or abuse their kids, it’s downvoted because unlike you using a sort of rhetoric to bash male strangers, people will only see if as sexism tk bash on women and motherhood for women harming people.

People also aren’t really empathic fo men when they talk about not liking being profiled for their sex. I feel like lots of women would willingly walk next to a abusive women, because they still assume she’s more moral vs any stranger male that dared to exist on the street.

I find that women will assault and sexually harass me, or even nearly kill me by running me over, but other women don’t see other women as threats, they see women as normal people on the street. They see men as rapist first before they care to think of them as human, but I still feel like women humanize female abusers more which how much people downvote this retort for the sake of seeing women as only scared and victim, not as a stranger that can also harm people.

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u/Babyyougotastew4422 27d ago

It’s crazy how this sexism against men is so normalized. Just change men to black people and everyone would get offended

13

u/ase1590 27d ago edited 27d ago

0 IQ take, thinking this happened in a vacuum. We did it to ourselves. You don't see women going and killing their partners in jealousy in any capacity that is remotely close in statistics to men. .

/r/whenwomenrefuse

1

u/Karglenoofus 24d ago

So women shouldn't be trusted around children too, right?

0

u/ase1590 24d ago

What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?

1

u/Karglenoofus 24d ago edited 24d ago

Women are more likely to commit filicide, so we should be wart of them around their children.

Edit because you're a sexist coward: Judging the crowd for the individual is relevant, yes.

0

u/smashingT 24d ago

Nice red herring argument. This has nothing to do with the original topic.

1

u/Karglenoofus 24d ago

Because men are seen as disposable aggressors, so sexisk is okay 👍

2

u/lemons7472 15d ago edited 15d ago

Pretty much, but don’t you dare see women as a generalizing negetive molith because that’s sexist! Women never do that to people unlike us men! Even tho people seem to like to deny any retort of pointing out women commonly harming other people…

I don’t see women as lesser than me or make up excuses to, but I find that people use trauma and the existence of bad men, as objective fact as to why it’s ok to demonize and see stranger men as dangerous, but then if a male points out how dangerous some women also can commonly be, instead of only seeing women as victim, then it’s wrong. It all just feels very 1-sided but again peopple do see men as lesser human as well, but expect men to be super empathic to people belittling and dehumanizing them….but the moment they bring up how women also seem to treat others badly, then suddenly we are just being sexist.

Empathy is 1-sided anyways. People sterotype you as a monster, and only wish to have it that way, while telling you it’s wrong to point out how women do simailr violent acts, that your gender isn’t just evil.

1

u/Karglenoofus 15d ago

All of this helps no one is the ironic part, too. Most treat men as if they are inherently dangerous and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Many feel ostricized continuing the cycle of loneliness and worse.

2

u/lemons7472 15d ago

Yeah it doesn’t help, especially because again, even calling out women for being harmful towards others, is looked down on, so It’s just people demonizing men.

Sometimes I feel like women legit humanize my female perpetrators way more than me, all because they firstly assume I’m a inhuman danger to women, so it’s fine to demonize my sex, and only my sex.