r/NoStupidQuestions • u/IdeaExpensive3073 • 27d ago

How is it women notice men checking them out but I’ve never noticed women doing it to men, and especially me?

Note: I’ve been told that they were checking me out before, so I know it’s happening.

8.3k Upvotes

88% Upvoted

2.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

8.0k

u/Mysterious-Region640 27d ago

Women are definitely more discreet, but I also think that men don’t pick up on things the same way women do

296

u/DandelionDisperser 27d ago

This. My ex husband had a friend for years. The first time I met her I told him she was in love with him. (She was always very nice to me, never any hint of whatnot. I truly felt for her.) He didn't believe me. I told him to pay attention next time they met, really pay attention. He was flabbergasted and told me I was right. I have no idea why/how men don't notice these things.

216

u/quantipede 27d ago

I think partially it’s self doubt; I had a customer in line a few weeks ago who made a couple little jokes and seemed excited talking to me and I thought she was very friendly, and when I was done ringing her up the girl in line behind her told me I should’ve asked for her number because she was totally flirting with me. Still not sure if that was the case though cause I don’t know why an attractive nurse would’ve been at all interested in a sad looking skinny and scruffy barista.

On the flip side of things it also feels a lot like guessing, cause later I had a woman doing almost the same thing so I was like oh! I get it now! And she followed me on Instagram, so I worked up the courage to message her and after a bit of small talk asked her if she wanted to hang out or get coffee or something and got…left on read. lol. So I have truly given up trying to understand flirtation and unless somebody straight up says they’re flirting im always just going to have to treat my instincts as a very bad guess

110

u/xpacean 27d ago

I’ve had a girl I didn’t know just totally shit-talking me and I got annoyed, then later my buddies were like, you know she was flirting with you, right? (She was cute, too.)

So there’s no fucking answer. You just have to guess and take the hit if you’re wrong.

26

u/No-District-8258 27d ago

I knew a girl when I was 20 who was ultra rude to me and would even call me a loser etc when we were hanging around our friends. I couldn't for the life of me understand why. Then one of my older friends dropped a little wisdom on me and told me she probably just had a huge crush on me. Anyway, I put the theory to the test and invited her over one night... weird start to a 1 year relationship 😅

41

u/OneMulatto 27d ago

My woman is like this. If she's being a bitch, she likes you and doesn't know how to let you know.

For year this waitress was, what I'd say, a total bitch to me. Everytime I came in. Short responses. Glaring eyes. Just felt disdain from her. 

Apparently she was in love with me the whole time for some reason. Women are weird.

6

u/ZeekOwl91 27d ago

Your description made me think of Helga and Arnold's dynamic from the Nickelodeon series Hey Arnold!

10

u/TheZenMeister 27d ago

Just think of women like cats. Some are friendly from the get go, others need to come to you on their terms, others are mean but snuggle, but across the board all of them love to leave dead animals in your house

4

u/boonies4u 27d ago

Will they also eat your corpse if you die in the house?

8

u/bmcdonal1975 27d ago

This sounds like a Charlie and Waitress interaction on Its Always Sunny…

1

u/Nindless 26d ago

Which only proves - be patient.

5

u/Bellinelkamk 27d ago

Let it go Charlie

6

u/kyreannightblood 27d ago

Those are people not worth your time. They’re just as awful to other women, too.

2

u/[deleted] 27d ago

If women have such an odd way of showing they like someone, shouldn't they be less angry when a guy guesses wrong?

1

u/nokat08 27d ago

That is game playing, and you don't want that. Even if she is cute.

38

u/Gecko23 27d ago

Women aren’t any better at this than men are. Anytime a woman tells you “she was really into you”, unless the other woman told her that, she’s guessing just like you would be.

31

u/Lawd_Fawkwad 27d ago

Re : your last one.

A woman asked me to ride with her on the metro going to a party because it was past midnight : she interrupted the episode of Naruto I was watching to talk with me, let me bore her with tax law, asked for my instagram and said she loved meeting me and that we should schedule something.

Left on read to...

So yeah man, she can literally hit on you and it's still not confirmation she's into you, she also didn't seem to be drunk or high which made it even weirder.

8

u/LORDLRRD 27d ago

Dude I had a girl literally make sure (as she physically looked at/on) my phone to make sure i saved her number correctly after we met and had a great convo at this music show. Before she left she was like we should totally hang out again please take my number. I'm like YES and text her the next day. Left on read. She was so cute too

7

u/Big-Slurpp 27d ago

You put her number in wrong, and she's dyslexic

4

u/doctordeez69 25d ago

She wanted to smash the night she gave you her number. She had moved on with life the next day.

2

u/dogbreath67 27d ago

Yea that’s what happens. No matter how strong the connection is when you meet, after the 50th time I realized that most likely I will never see that person again.

1

u/pushamanplunder7 26d ago

From my own personal experience with this sort of thing I've found there's usually one of two different scenarios taking place behind the scenes. Neither of them have anything to do with you but i know it sure as hell feels that way when it happens.

1.) She's actively "playing the field" and dating/interacting with several different men in a very short span of time right up until one of them officially advances their relationship into something exclusive.

2.) She just "got out" of a serious long-term relationship and she's trying to rush towards any form of a sexual interaction/encounter, probably out of spite. I used quotation marks because these are the women that probably have toxic relationships and will find themselves in a cycle of breaking up, having a fling, and then getting right back together with their partner multiple times a year. The classic "it wasn't cheating because we were on a break" kinda gals.

Of course, not all women fall into these categories and I'd say that the majority of WOMEN despise this kind of behavior but that's because they are mentally and emotionally mature. They know what they want and have no problem communicating to you that maybe they only want casual sexual or a FWB. This is why I started gravitating towards older women, like at least 5-10 years older than me. Wasted hella time from 17-23 years old being used and dealing with way more stress than anyone should realistically tolerate. Lol

2

u/Downtown_Skill 26d ago

There's one more your missing that's also common. If you're a guy reading this, How many times have you hit it off with a woman while out and while talking with her you think "wow she's pretty cool, I wouldn't mind sleeping with her or getting to know her more" especially when drunk..... Only to get a text and, the next day, be in a completely different mood and not want to bother.

Now you may not feel this way with someone you find extremely attractive or felt a deep connection with, but with someone you found kind of attractive and kind of liked, it's a different story.

Women are the same way. Maybe the woman felt in the mood that night but the feelings weren't strong enough to carry over to the next day.

0

u/pushamanplunder7 26d ago

You're absolutely correct, I did forget the most obvious one. (Yeah I'm a guy. I'm well aware that men and women are the same on these things.. hope I didn't come off like I was attributing these behaviors exclusively to women cause it applies either way). Tbh I'm pretty lit so of course I forget about the intoxication factor 😅

6

u/AfterglowLoves 27d ago

Just fyi “sad looking skinny and scruffy barista” is exactly the type lots of girls find attractive.

1

u/quantipede 27d ago

I don’t know how to find the people who find that attractive lol

4

u/ProgrammerDiligent34 27d ago

Maybe she wants some cream with her coffee.

3

u/Key_Difference_1108 27d ago

The rare double humble brag bravo

2

u/WalkinSteveHawkin 27d ago

Eh, still think you interpreted and responded correctly on the last one. Sometimes you feel something in one moment, but not as much later on.

2

u/Nugatorysurplusage 27d ago

Huh. I’m thinking of the woman in the elevator a few weeks back, and her very excited overly talkative spiel about work and the weekend and being exhausted makes sense.

2

u/shortidiva21 27d ago

I'm so sorry. That sounds so awful!!! I hate when sweet people are treated badly.

2

u/quantipede 27d ago

I wouldn’t call it treated badly; I asked her out and I got my answer, even if there was a better way to say it

2

u/dodekahedron 27d ago

Because some women don't care about the job of a mate.

1

u/Dusty_Coder 27d ago

If you are ringing her up, any relationship you have will not be long term.

1

u/wolfpackchakra 26d ago

early last year i went with some friends to a bar, where the last time i was there, i was really drunk and fell into the floor embarrassingly, and when i went back to that bar months later, everyone working there remembered me and joked with me about if i was going to fall again that night.. fast forward to when we were getting our tabs before leaving, i was in that process and told the cute girl that handed me the receipt to sign, that i hadn’t drank as much, and didn’t fall this time, and she was like “you can fall into my arms any time”.. and i was thinking hmm what an interesting thing to say, and was kind of speechless, so just told her “thank you” and left. i got outside to my car and asked my friends that were there to hear the interaction “she was flirting with me wasn’t she?” and they were like “yeahhhhhh”

1

u/Eyerish9299 26d ago

JUST had something like this happen to me. A girl matched with me, we chatted for a bit and she sent me her Snapchat (completely unsolicited because I didn't even have Snapchat) I messaged her something flirty, she responded and then ghosted me. I have zero idea why.

41

u/TXHaunt 27d ago

For me, flirting is a foreign language that I neither speak nor understand.

2

u/RegularIncident4260 27d ago

I'm the same. I'd rather be friends first, then evolve through mutual interest and understanding.

45

u/These_Purple_5507 27d ago

So what'd he notice??

46

u/DandelionDisperser 27d ago

The way she looked at him. He didn't notice it until he was looking for it. When someone loves you, you can usually see it in thier eyes, the way they look at you. She was actually very subtle. It was sad really. I could see the pain as well as love in her eyes. I'm pretty observant because of life things though and pick up on subtleties easily.

28

u/CommunistElk 27d ago

I wouldn't have believed you until I experienced this for myself. The way this guy looked at me when we talked, it was like no one else existed. I'm sure I gave similar looks back. It was out of this world. Unfortunately, I'm pretty emotionally constipated and by the time I stoped denying my feelings, he had already moved on.

1

u/Kucked4life 26d ago

Too much shoujo for u lol.

1

u/CommunistElk 26d ago

Hey get out of my comment history! 🤣 But straight up, I would have thought this was total BS until I experienced it myself a few years ago.

2

u/Kucked4life 26d ago

Don't you mean "our" comment history, comrade?

3

u/anteus2 26d ago

I'm going to need you to follow me around for the next year or so, and point out any instances of this happening.  I'm pretty clueless about these things.

1

u/DandelionDisperser 26d ago

I hope you get a boom obvious stars in thier eyes one 😍 I didn't realize the male side of things until some replies. It's good, helps me understand better.

2

u/anteus2 26d ago

Thanks, I appreciate it. It's interesting to hear the other side of things sometimes. I didn't consider how women can be more subtle about these things.  

3

u/YeetMeIntoKSpace 25d ago

My ex told me that a lot of people had told her that they knew it was love because of the way I looked at her. She said it after she saw it herself; I didn’t recognize her at first when we looked at each other and then I recognized her after a moment, and she said that it was the first time she’d ever seen how I look at most people. That my face is really stony but it softened and my eyes changed somehow as soon as I recognized her.

I don’t think the way I look at her has changed since we broke up.

2

u/Initial_Jellyfish437 27d ago

This comment doesn’t say anything, just like your op from this one. “The way she looked…”, “you can see it in her eyes”, “the way they look”. I guess it’s proper for this thread because this doesn’t mean anything. Im sorry but you say you’re pretty observant but not able to articulate what you think she felt, speaks about the topic lol

3

u/DandelionDisperser 26d ago

You not understanding what I mean doesn't make my post invalid.

2

u/ApprehensiveBuy193 27d ago

Yes it's true. I just recently found out that you can tell if a person is interested in you by looking at their eyes.

If their pupils dilate since they met you, they 100% really want you. Though it's only true assuming that they were in a similar illumination environment 20 minutes before they met you. Pupils constrict when you move from a dark environment to an illuminated environment, and they dilate when you move from an illuminated environment to a darker one.

1

u/linuxition 27d ago

I need to know more about this, there is this one girl in my math class where I just feel like she is looking at me with those fallen in love eyes never talked to her before but she always smiles and greets me. I hav told my other female friends about this but they got no clue what I am talking about.

4

u/ApprehensiveBuy193 27d ago

The change in the pupil size isn't immediate though. It takes sometime. Let's say 10 minutes.

https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Flh3.googleusercontent.com%2FAZMmE7dM5YD9t3KxTa6BzZYpkKa3reMjroIO8SilBumGgRUAwnxQx_DVWnrXXFlpZvTnjoebxEL3YygYGf6_1Y6wLJmP3YlLNCeUf7bBvc9wFAZFYgpEkevBXd8m_IHBa3ueP2ih&tbnid=yPELD6f9iDHtMM&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Far.inspiredpencil.com%2Fpictures-2023%2Fpupils-dilated&docid=P97BVLULRfUPdM&w=662&h=592&itg=1&hl=en-US&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm1%2F3&kgs=697b9f66a38bcfc3&shem=abme%2Ctrie

1

u/0xd00d 27d ago

There's also something going around saying pupil dilation is also correlated with intelligence (like, IQ). So there is now the possibility of two things going on -- we might subconsciously be responding to pupil dilation as an indicator for attraction, and this would provide for a knock-on side effect as one more reason to become attracted to someone intelligent.

1

u/ApprehensiveBuy193 27d ago

I'm unfamiliar with this research, but let's assume it's true: I did a quick google search and it there's no confound.

"those having a higher IQ have larger baseline pupils than those having a lesser IQ."

The keyword here is baseline pupils. You examine whether the pupils are dilated by comparison to their baseline size of that specific person.

5

u/PlacidPlatypus 26d ago

If you want my advice: you can drive yourself crazy trying to analyze for little signals and hints, but at the end of the day there's no substitute for just working up some courage and talking to her.

1

u/ApprehensiveBuy193 27d ago

I don't trust female friends. They almost always have an agenda. I trust only one female friend.

Correction: I trust two.

10

u/RegularIncident4260 27d ago

I want to know too. Or did he just ask her?

5

u/RusticSurgery 27d ago

Self doubt

3

u/Unusual_Persimmon843 27d ago

How did you notice she was in love with him? Was she always staring and smiling at him? It's hard for me to imagine what someone in love looks like without it being cartoonish.

5

u/DandelionDisperser 27d ago

It was the way she looked at him. Expecially when he wasn't looking at her. I don't know how to explain it. When we talked about it later, my ex said when he was activity looking for it, he saw it. Him and his friend never talked about it, he never asked her outright.

1

u/[deleted] 27d ago

[deleted]

1

u/DandelionDisperser 27d ago

He didn't. He noticed the next time he had a conversation with her..

1

u/Freefoodfunday 27d ago

Yeah this is how you know. I remember being younger and at work functions etc. you suddenly look over and see someone who had been glancing over at you. Then when you catch them they quickly look away. Or if you’re into someone and see them doing it to someone else. In your case, she probably checks in on him consistently. Like, conversing with someone and then casually glancing over to track where they’re at. If they’re between conversations or something they’ll quickly look over or something. As a guy this sort of thing happened to me at work once or twice and I dealt with it terribly. Because I grew up as a bit of a pleaser I tended to lead them on a bit thinking I was being nice. Engage them in conversation more often, just be a little extra nice to them etc. of course the opposite was probably the more mature thing to do.

1

u/DandelionDisperser 26d ago

You were trying to be kind. You can't deal with something in a 100% proper way if you don't have the experience to know how. You're good :) I totally understand.

3

u/Local_Nerve901 27d ago

For me, I don’t wanna be wrong and it ends up being weird or they see me differently

But to combat it I straight up tell people this so if they know me, they know they gotta do the first step 😂 Easier either way strangers tho

3

u/DarkAlatreon 27d ago

Life can leave you disillusioned about your (lack of) desireability, so at some point you just turn that part of your brain off to avoid false hopes and achieve peace.

Also, guessing wrong leaves you in a rather vulnerable position.

1

u/DandelionDisperser 26d ago

That sounds like it would have been hard. I'm sorry :( Guessing wrong does make you vulnerable. Been there.

There's complexities for both men and women. Reading some of the replies has helped me understand some of the things men go though.

2

u/PlacidPlatypus 27d ago

For me at least it's because I spend my entire adolescence learning not to trust the part of my brain that obsessively scanned every single innocuous interaction with a girl for signs that she was into me. Once you get used to writing off signals as wishful thinking it's almost impossible to pick up on real ones.

1

u/DandelionDisperser 26d ago

That sounds painful, I'm sorry. I think in some ways it's harder for men.

2

u/PlacidPlatypus 26d ago

In some ways, sure. People want things to be simple so privilege always gets simplified down to a one dimensional one group always has it better, but life is more complicated than that.

The thing I try to keep in mind is that the ways we have it harder usually seem obvious, and the ways we have it easier than others can be invisible unless we know to look. So it's good to make an effort to empathize and listen to what other people have to say.

2

u/greencheeto_ 26d ago

It’s so subtle, idk if it’s something that all women do and they don’t realize it or if it’s a situational thing. I’m not even 100% sure how I flirt tbh😂

2

u/pepegaklaus 25d ago

So.... They're together now or no?

2

u/DandelionDisperser 25d ago

No, my ex and I got married and she went off to do her own thing. I don't know why exactly but the friendship eventually ended, probably because it was painful for her. I hope she found the right person.

1

u/Naive-Kick1131 27d ago

I would also like to know

1

u/overeducatedhick 27d ago

Men are taught at an early age that most women are not generally interested in guys, apart from social pressure by the patriarchy, and almost certainly, not them. That is why guys have to learn how to trick women into thinking they might be tolerable, if the women does get desperate and decides to settle for a guy.

1

u/Thijs_NLD 27d ago

Because noticing these type of things doesn't benefit us in ANY way shape or form. "Getting hints" ONLY handicaps your future self. Because you'll be screwed if you miss another hint. Or two hints etc. And to prevent that you have to pay WAAAAAY more attention, which sucks. I got better things to do.

So there is NO incentive to pick up on hints. At all.

1

u/bendbars_liftgates 27d ago

So if he actually noticed afterward I imagine she was either incessantly touching herself every time he came within a set radius or she would turn fire engine red, start stammering, and be unable to look even vaguely in his direction.

1

u/Moln0015 27d ago

I've always been told women don't crush on men. They are just being nice.